Friday, October 29, 2010

Frightening Friday

Gotta be quick today.  I had a nasty bug bite on my back that I asked Tsarina Dinosauress Amy to scratch about an hour ago.  Since I'm person-sized and she's t-rex-sized, her front arms couldn't reach, so she lifted up her foot.  I know it wasn't her intention, but I'm in the ambulance as we speak and they say this concussion and broken leg should be fixed in a jiffy.  The ambulance man has been ever so kind to supply itching cream to my back.

Oh, brb, they're pulling me out of the ambulance and yelling at me for using my laptop.

No apology necessary.

If we were a person of lesser importance, we would apologize for not posting on our designated day. But we are not that person so you can just shush and meditate on our awesomeness while you wait for words like pearls to drop from our lips. Except then you would wonder why we had a mouthful of pearls in the first place, and why we would attempt to speak with a mouthful of hardened oyster mucous, and would the pearls not be coated in our royal saliva and therefore be rendered drippy and sticky and disgusting? And after all this ruminating, yours on our pearl conundrum, and ours on . . .well, pearls in our royal mouth, you would forget what we had tried to tell you while we had said mouthful of pearls, and we would therefore be upset at your dreadful display of distraction whilst WE were talking. So we are not going to say anything. Because you were very rude to us. But we are forgiving, and perhaps by next week we would be willing to speak to you again.

Until then, we remain,
Jenna, Supreme BitchQueen of the Universe and Femnazi Extraordinaire.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Friendly Friday: Padisha Boom-Boom Katie

Bellow hers!

I am Padisha Boom-Boom Katie of Yarnia, Keeper of the Sacred Yarn Ball and Friend to Cats.  Most of the time I look like this:

But I rather like my job duties, really.  I am subordinate to Tsarina Dinosauress Amy, which I won't get in to right now, but let's just say I haven't had a day off in a while.  But who can blame her with those short little arms.  I have to run a lot of errands for her.  And knitting cowls for her long neck to stay warm, which takes a shocking amount of time.  But she's worth it.

I decided to join the Corset Mafia when I realized there wasn't any reason to fight her Supremeness, and let's face it, I like being in the control of others.  "Knit with this yarn, pet this cat, scratch my back."  You understand.  Some of us were made for servitude and I am here AT YOUR SERVICE!


Thursday, October 21, 2010

Greetings, Beloved Subjects : Being an introduction to her Majesty

Indeed my loyal peoples, it is Us, your sovereign, Supreme BitchQueen of the Universe. We have decided to take today, the Day of Thor's, as Our day to speak to you in an informal and comfortable way. As an aside - do you suppose Lord Thor would be upset that We have commandeered his day, so to speak? Ah, well. Even ancient deities must make concessions for the Ruler of the Universe. Note, We are merely the ruler of this universe, not the multiverse. We are more than busy presiding over all sassery, snarkism, bitchiosity, and attitudeness in this one -verse, thank you, and do not wish to extend our rule and responsibility.
We would like to mention the other members of our Cabinet, heretofore known as our Corset Mafia, that are unable to contribute.
Firstly is our Secretary of Whoopah!, Count Sir Mixalot Bethany, and her daughter, Kiwi, Archprincess of Mood Swings. As you see, my dearest subjects, We must delegate Our tasks. Our rule is a very difficult thing, and it takes up much more time than even We have in a day. We are eminently grateful to Our Tsarina Dinosauress Amy, Designated Polyglot, Minister of Silly Walks, and Keeper of Fake Accents, her discovery of Lucy, Director of Bellyrubs, Korean Ambassador, Duchess of Adorable Puppy Eyes, and of course We thank Our Padisha Boom-boom Katie of Yarnia, Keeper of the Sacred Yarn Ball and Friend to Cats. Without our distinguished Corset Mafia, our rule would crumble into chaos.
Ah - our duties call. We will write again next Thor's Day and acquaint you with more details of our rule.

Until then We remain, Jenna, Supreme BitchQueen of the Universe and Femnazi Extraordinaire.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Muttday: An introduction to the shortage of Snacks and Bellyrubs

Fur-st of all let me welcome you to Muttday. The best day of the week in my furry little opinion.
Perhaps I should start by introducing myself. My name is Lucy. I am the Korean Ambassador to this corset mafia as well as the Director of Bellyrubs and Duchess of Adorable Puppy Eyes. It’s ever so nice to meet you.
First order of the day: Do you have a dog? If not, why not? Hmmm? We’re wonderful roommates and frankly, we are too stinkin’ cute for our own good! Go get a doggy roommate now!
If you already have a doggy roommate, let us discuss the shortage of both snacks and bellyrubs:
1. Snacks. We poor pooches do not have opposable thumbs, we cannot open the jars or other containers you keep our biscuits in. Please rectify this problem by keeping them in a bowl on the floor near our food dish. It will be most appreciated. Also, feed us more hoomin food.
2. Bellyrubs. This point is in direct correlation with point one. If we do not have more snacks, how can we have full little bellies for you to rub. Also, you should rub always. We don’t like when we have to pat you to make you continue. It’s only a common courtesy.
More doggy knowledge next week
~ Lucy, Korean Ambassador, Director of Bellyrubs and Duchess of Adorable Puppy Eyes.